Happy New Year! This was the worst so far for me and I'm glad that it'll end in about an hour here. People tend to make resolutions for upcoming year and plan "their new-self" but in retrospective... I've never done it. I guess I can say that had planned to be a better person, when I was younger but who didn't? This year also learned me about the fatalism when I sprinkled my ankle and had to undergo surgery in the middle of the fucking pandemic but that's the whole another story. The point is that I've buried myself in this shell of grief and envy. I don't think this situation was the single worst point of the year for me but definitely it was the straw that broke the camel's back. The problem with me is also that I can't think of positive things in the past (year) and the future is downright scaring me. The present... there's also nothing good about the present.
So closer to the next bloody year I can only wish it just wouldn't be worse. I hit rock bottom mentally in 2021 and I can only hope better for myself.
"My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this, there is no catharsis. My punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself."
I don't want to end this entry on a sappy note though. There's always hope, so let's go into new year with fresh perspective to some degree at least. You're going to make it!
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